sow Lin Jinglang

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01

Qi Ming is from Shandong and the only child in his family. He settled in Kunming for me.

everyone felt very moved, and so did my mother.

my mother said that you should be good to Qi Ming all your life.

I smiled and said I knew it.

my mother treats Qi Ming like her own son. Qi Ming worries about what she likes to eat and what help she needs at work.

Qi Ming and I decorated our new house with my mother.

the salesman chatted with us and knew that I had a master's degree in England and had a good job. They all praised my mother for her good education.

my mother said proudly that her daughter was raised separately, so you don't have to worry about it.

people praise my mother for her good luck, but only I know how much sadness and helplessness are contained in that sentence.

I really want to say sorry to my mother, and ask her to forgive me for being capricious and ignorant.

but when people grow up, they are embarrassed to say something.

02

I have learned many skills since I was a child.

Basketball, swimming, skating. Looking back at that time, I was the first child to have skates in my moments.

of course, I never get hurt when I play with these things.

my mother-in-law smiled and said, "your mother is not raising a girl. She has turned you into a boy."

Let's see, it's the same thing.

since I was a child, my mother never taught me anything about girls, how to protect my skin, how to protect myself from the sun, or even buy me dolls.

maybe it's because my mom studied mining.

she and my father are classmates in college. They graduated from Kunming and were assigned to Dongchuan Mine.

Dad goes down to draw pictures in the mine, and my mother is in the design institute. The two poor people built a small home by their own efforts.

my mother gave birth to me at the age of 24.

because families on both sides were unable to help with the children, my mother weighed things around and finally transferred to work at work.

Men dominate the outside and women dominate the interior, which seems very common.

but for my mother, it was a great sacrifice. The college students of that era were very expensive and had a bright future in the design institute.

when my mother gave up her counterpart major, she gave up her bright future.

it's all for me.

03

I have a weak physique since I was a child.

in order to keep me healthy, my mother took me to see traditional Chinese medicine and take traditional Chinese medicine.

my mother grinded the medicine into powder and put it in a capsule.

mothers can really come up with thousands of ways for their children.

my mother can only cook with an electric frying pan in the narrow aisle.

I remember one day when I came home from school, I accidentally stepped into a pot with boiling water.

my mother was so scared that she picked me up and ran to the hospital.

because it hurts so much, I cry and scream. My mother took my princess in her arms and coaxed me softly.

when I grow up, I have hugged someone before I realize how tired this posture is.

but at that time, every time I went to the hospital to change dressing, my mother would hold me like this.

think of the first prince in my life, that is, my mother. I was a little tired and didn't want her little princess to suffer a little more.

however, the little princess, who is growing up, wants to escape from her.

04

after junior high school, my father was promoted, and the family suddenly got better.

although my mother didn't teach me how to be beautiful, it didn't prevent me from growing up to be a non-mainstream girl who is proficient in Martian.

it was the first half of the third year of junior high school. I fell in love with a boy.

his name is he Ping, the handsome boy of our school. Handsome, good grades.

but then he got mixed up with some poor students and began to play truant, fight and hang out in Internet cafes.

it was popular to read Annie Baby at that time, and I was no exception, so I had a desperate obsession with love.

if he chooses to hang out, I'll hang out with him.

my mother was really worried and talked to me.

but she is a very gentle person and can only be persuaded. In the face of the rebellious period, there is nothing I can do.

all I see is love. Even in the face of my mother's tears, I was indifferent and even bored.

High School entrance examination, because the previous foundation is still there, I was admitted to a good high school in Kunming.

my mother decisively changed her job and went to Kunming to study with her.

she thought distance could separate me from he Ping, but she didn't expect that he Ping also transferred to Kunming to go to school.

05

in order to prevent me from seeing he Ping, my mother sends me to the school gate every morning before going to work.

and I watch her leave every day, and then play truant to date he Ping.

as a highly educated college student, she even went to the temple to burn incense, trying to change me by changing her name.

but I'm a big kid after all, right.All methods are scoffed at.

she locked me at home and wouldn't let me out. I opened the balcony door and said to her, if you don't let me go, I'll jump.

at that time, I thought I was brave and could die for love.

in the first half of senior high school, he Ping and some friends rented a house in the village in the city, and I didn't go home for the first few days. Fight, hang out in Internet cafes, and play dance troupes day and night.

and my mother, in the middle of the night, looking for an Internet cafe.

but she found me, and I'm not going back with her.

as she watched her daughter leave her wayward, she felt nothing but despair.

06

in June, the whole of Kunming was shrouded in verdant and bright summer.

I was huddled in a dim Internet bar with only 50 cents left.

sometimes it really happens in an instant, and suddenly I get tired of this dark life.

I took out my cell phone and called my mother. I said, Mom, I still want to read.

my mother cried, called my father and took me home.

it wasn't until that day that I realized that all I had was squandering my mother's deep love for me.

I dare to be so rebellious just because I know that my mother will never give up on me.

soon, my parents arranged a new school for me to re-read the first year of senior high school.

that is a fully enclosed high school more than 70 kilometers away from the city.

although he Ping and I were not completely cut off, I began to relax. After the college entrance examination, my father asked me to go abroad to study in college, at least out of the province.

is self-evident. I went to Tianjin.

I have to admit that my parents' strategies are effective.

the farther away and knowledgeable I am from he Ping, the more I realize that he is not worth it.

07

in my junior year, my roommate chose a three-plus-one project to study abroad. I was moved, too.

I went to England in 2013 and went to graduate school there.

when I came back from the holiday, I saw he Ping again, and the gap came out.

I am surrounded by excellent boys, while he Ping's words and pies are still street thugs.

all the vigor of adolescence is disillusioned.

sometimes I think that maybe I was so rebellious in adolescence that I became very homesick when I grew up.

especially to my mother.

after going to England, I have to talk to my mother every day. Complain to her and act coquettish with her.

on the other side of the world, I realized what it means not to want to grow up.

I made a new boyfriend in the second year of graduate school. He is Qi Ming, a Shandong man who "married" to Kunming for me.

so I got married and stayed with my parents at ease.

08

my father retired from his job in those years.

he and my mother bought a cottage with a big yard in their hometown.

my mother grows many flowers and fruits. The two preserved plums in front of the door are her favorites. When it comes to the Spring Festival, they are always very lively.

after marriage, Qi Ming was soon assimilated by me.

if my mother doesn't come to see us for ten days, we'll make sure we drive back and stick to them.

take a walk together, play mahjong, buy M9 steak, which is your favorite, and cook a big meal.

in 2019, I was pregnant, but I had an unexpected miscarriage. I was in the mood for a period of time, and my mother was with me.

she still tolerates my bad temper as before.

however, no one expected that my mother was ill just after the Spring Festival in 2021.

09

liver cancer.

the whole family was frightened. Qi Ming immediately made an appointment with experts from Shanghai to fly over together.

my father went to get the report. When he came back, he said it was all right, and it was no problem to have good treatment.

she eats hard as if she were afraid of letting us down.

later, when my mother went to the bathroom, my father told me and Qi Ming about his illness.

Primary intrahepatic cholangiocarcinoma.

the king of liver cancer.

radiotherapy and chemotherapy are useless, immunotherapy alone is useless, there are no targeted drugs, it can be said that the existing treatments are ineffective.

I can't hold on for a moment.

Dad said, don't cry, don't let your mother know yet.

but how could I bear it? I had to say it was too cold and buy a scarf.

Qi Ming followed, and his eyes turned red.

We bought beautiful red hats and scarves for our mother at the mall.

that's her favorite color.

I keep asking Qi Ming if his eyes are still red, and I dare to go back to the hotel until they are not red.

I put a hat on my mother happily.

my dad said he was so young.

you are so young.

he is only in his 50s, how can he suddenly get an incurable disease?

on the way back to the hotel, I tried to be strong.

because from this day on, I will fight cancer with my mother.

I can't break down before my mother.

10

however, experts in Shanghai also say there is nothing they can do.

Mom didn't know the seriousness at all, so she easily said, "it's fine. There's no need for surgery."

I smiled, but my heart was out of breath with pain.

on the way back, I kept asking myself whether I was too capricious and made my mother angry.

if I had been an obedient daughter, would she not have such terrible cancer?

Qi Mingan comforted me that there is no other way, and he will find a way out.

he tries to find a way around, but my mother loves him in vain.

it was the first stage of fighting cancer with our mother, and all of us were still full of hope.

I always think that my mother has been kind all her life. God wouldn't be so unfair.

and at that time, my mother really could not see the appearance of illness.

back in Kunming, I quit my job and Qi Ming asked for a long vacation. We run with her every morning and boil traditional Chinese medicine for her in the afternoon.

everything seems to be getting better and better.

Mom thinks the medicine is bitter, but she will drink it obediently.

I remember the way she gave me powder and capsules when I was a child. Instantly realized, what is meant by "the son wants to raise but does not wait for the kiss".

the growth of children always comes at the expense of their parents' old age, but there is not much time left.

11

on April 2nd, I took a bath with my mother.

while scrubbing herself, she looked in the mirror and asked, "is my eyeball a little yellow?"

it looks like it really has a little jaundice.

my newly adjusted state of mind collapsed.

I am so scared, afraid of the approaching steps of death.

at that time, my mother began to feel pain and could not run.

the amount of food is reduced to only a little, and I work hard but I can't eat much.

before I knew it, I entered the second stage and began to frantically look for various ways to treat cancer with Qi Ming.

Qi Ming and I checked a lot of materials and contacted the famous big hospital.

later, Qi Mingtuo's friend contacted an expert from Beijing 301.

I cling to this glimmer of hope in my heart.

looking forward to it, I was told by the doctor that the methods we studied were simply impractical.

I went back to my apartment. I couldn't tell the truth, but I couldn't find a reason for being perfunctory.

later, my mother said she was hungry, so I boiled a bowl of egg noodles for her.

as she ate, she said to me that the noodles were too soft and should be covered with cold water. It would be better to put some chopped onions in the soup. It's so big that you can't cook noodles.

I didn't say anything. I thought silently in my heart, Mom, leave most of them to me for a while. I don't know how much longer I can listen to this. I wish you could babble on like this in my ear all my life.

but I know that it is really just a beautiful dream.

my mother signed a will and transferred all her property to me.

12

leaving Beijing, we took our mother to Shandong.

my parents-in-law helped contact a very powerful expert over there.

but the expectations in my heart are getting slimmer and slimmer.

when we are together during the day, everyone is still talking and laughing, and no one touches the fragile string.

when I close the door at night, I cry with Qi Ming in my arms.

I think my mother closes the door and cries with my father every day.

in the face of repeated judgments from the doctor, I began to enter the third stage.

I accept my fate.

even if there are ten thousand unwilling people in my heart, I finally accept the fact that my mother can't cure it.

I must learn to let go and let her go without regret.

the last days were spent in Yunnan.

my father and I wanted to send her to the hospice hospital, but her mother was much stronger than we thought and always had a strong desire for survival.

so we sent her to a big hospital to make a last-ditch effort to survive.

13

for the first time in my life, I went to the graveyard to pick a graveyard, thinking about the location and style my mother would like.

death is so close, but I don't want to cry.

because my mother is so optimistic, I want to stay with her.

in fact, I am afraid of hospitals, ever since I was a child. But ever since my mom got sick, there's nothing to be afraid of.

I go to see her every day. If I can walk, I will take a walk. If you can't leave, just talk. Talk about my future, as well as our past.

once when I was a child, I asked my mother, why don't you teach me how to dress up? Even my mother-in-law said you didn't raise me like a girl.

my mother smiled and said, who doesn't think you're a girl? I don't want you to be a normal girl.

compared to how beautiful, I think you are braver and stronger. Even if you grow up and get married, you should not be a woman who revolves around the stove.

Don't be like me, so much knowledge has been learned in vain, and there is no chance to show your talents.

her eyes suddenly turned red. It turned out that she had such great expectations of me since she was a child and wanted me to be a special girl in the world.

I took her by the hand and said, Mom, don't worry.

she touched it.Touch my hair. I can't speak.

14

on May 2, the hospital issued a notice of critical illness.

my father and I chose to send her to ICU without hesitation.

I know that she wants to stick to the treatment. Even if it is the last struggle, I will do everything I can to get her back.